Day 54

Do I get a break. I'm seriously sick of being an addict, alcoholic, codependant. I fear that I will be my emotions bitch for the rest of eternity. It's like I get a feeling or someone or something happens, another situation arises, and I must react. I must do something in attempt to even out the chaos in my mind and soul. I can't believe I'm out of control. The concept of meditating or praying and just letting go is impossible in my world. It drives me nuts. For the moment this morning I think I need to make another movie and even though my last 2 pictures weren't exactly what I wanted, which was due to impatience. I need something for myself to pour my passions into that's productive.

The current situation is beyond me. There's a girl (always a girl), that I love, that I can't get a read on for shit. It was really good for a real long time. And then it got real bad mostly in my fucked up head, but real bad none the less, and now I'm just exiled in my own limbo. I know that I'm not going to be able to move on without going through a "this really sucks" period of loneliness and sadness. But that period keeps getting pushed back because I go back for more drama and heartache. If I had a movie, I think that and school would be enough to distract me so much from A. Her and B. my twisted addict mind that it would be a long time before I had a free moment to ponder myself.

Whenever I ponder myself I fall immediately into thinking I need someone to be ok. Is it her? It's most likely not. What's the most F'ed up this time around is I want someone not just a someone, so people, friends, prospects, are or have already been judged and rejected. The pool of who my someone is keeps shrinking in leaps and bounds. Which scares me. The scariest thought I produce daily is, I will always be alone, and if I'm not alone, I'm in an unhealthy relationship. The worst part about knowing your codependant is that in order to become healthy one must detach from their dependant part and learn to somehow love themselves. I have no clue how to do this. I can detach but as soon as I detach or a couple of days following it all I'm thinking is where or how am I going to find a replacement. I need someone! The prospect of being single or alone scares me to death and the loneliness is unbearable.

I dream of a healthy relationship where me and someone else come together to share the best parts of each other and learn, grow, and share together, but like I said it's a fantasy. Not much different from a disney story.