Do I get a break. I'm seriously sick of being an addict, alcoholic, codependant. I fear that I will be my emotions bitch for the rest of eternity. It's like I get a feeling or someone or something happens, another situation arises, and I must react. I must do something in attempt to even out the chaos in my mind and soul. I can't believe I'm out of control. The concept of meditating or praying and just letting go is impossible in my world. It drives me nuts. For the moment this morning I think I need to make another movie and even though my last 2 pictures weren't exactly what I wanted, which was due to impatience. I need something for myself to pour my passions into that's productive.
The current situation is beyond me. There's a girl (always a girl), that I love, that I can't get a read on for shit. It was really good for a real long time. And then it got real bad mostly in my fucked up head, but real bad none the less, and now I'm just exiled in my own limbo. I know that I'm not going to be able to move on without going through a "this really sucks" period of loneliness and sadness. But that period keeps getting pushed back because I go back for more drama and heartache. If I had a movie, I think that and school would be enough to distract me so much from A. Her and B. my twisted addict mind that it would be a long time before I had a free moment to ponder myself.
Whenever I ponder myself I fall immediately into thinking I need someone to be ok. Is it her? It's most likely not. What's the most F'ed up this time around is I want someone not just a someone, so people, friends, prospects, are or have already been judged and rejected. The pool of who my someone is keeps shrinking in leaps and bounds. Which scares me. The scariest thought I produce daily is, I will always be alone, and if I'm not alone, I'm in an unhealthy relationship. The worst part about knowing your codependant is that in order to become healthy one must detach from their dependant part and learn to somehow love themselves. I have no clue how to do this. I can detach but as soon as I detach or a couple of days following it all I'm thinking is where or how am I going to find a replacement. I need someone! The prospect of being single or alone scares me to death and the loneliness is unbearable.
I dream of a healthy relationship where me and someone else come together to share the best parts of each other and learn, grow, and share together, but like I said it's a fantasy. Not much different from a disney story.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day 12
I really wanted to get this posted today. So let me just throw down some of my meeting tour de nassau county meeting. Today November 1st a sunday I have already been to the 9:00 am at Congegation Beth Sholom 315 Roosevelt Blvd in Long Beach and tonight I'll be at The gift of serenity at Saint James Church 858 Roosevelt Street in franklin square at 6:30.
I don't like either of these meetings. This morning I was by far the youngest in the room. Barely identified to anything that was said and minus a couple of well groomed cougars in the room I'd say it was a loss. There's low lighting and a crazy. Almost every meeting I've gone to anywhere there's always one crazy. Yes we are all crazy, deviant, degenerate, sometimes criminal alcoholics. But almost always there's one person that isn't following any social norms to keep face. You can spot him or her by there nervious twitch, talking to themselves, or straight up sharing in a language that's a mix of muppet, ebonics, and retard. I hate it when they share. I understand this is a safe place where sick people go to get well but essentially as a bear minimum I expect to get out of my own personal cycle of crazy for an hour and I find that when a "crazy" speaks, all I want to do is stand up and with my deepest DMX voice say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Quite unsober.
Not like I have anything better to do today. To be honest anything to keep me away from a drink is good. I'm thirsty. Technically I'm not thirsty. I'm bewildered, confused, self-loathing, angry, tired, hungry, lonely, anxious, and impulsive. The last two, anxious and impulsive are the biggest threats to my sobriety. Mostly cause I don't tell anyone about them and tend to isolate as a habit from all that other crap. It's bad. I don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do and would rather perpetuate my misery by being alone and letting these thoughts cycle through my brain. I'll go to these meetings though. It worked once, it'll work again. In the near future I'll post a cross section of how to rate these meetings. I loved Garden City, loved it, looked forward to going to the meetings if I didn't have anything else to look forward to. So far Port Washington on Thursday is the only one that I've seen that rivals it. But that's a blog for thursday.
Things to accomplish today before the 6:30 meeting
Clean
Rearrange the furniture
Brainstorm 100 scenes
I don't like either of these meetings. This morning I was by far the youngest in the room. Barely identified to anything that was said and minus a couple of well groomed cougars in the room I'd say it was a loss. There's low lighting and a crazy. Almost every meeting I've gone to anywhere there's always one crazy. Yes we are all crazy, deviant, degenerate, sometimes criminal alcoholics. But almost always there's one person that isn't following any social norms to keep face. You can spot him or her by there nervious twitch, talking to themselves, or straight up sharing in a language that's a mix of muppet, ebonics, and retard. I hate it when they share. I understand this is a safe place where sick people go to get well but essentially as a bear minimum I expect to get out of my own personal cycle of crazy for an hour and I find that when a "crazy" speaks, all I want to do is stand up and with my deepest DMX voice say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Quite unsober.
Not like I have anything better to do today. To be honest anything to keep me away from a drink is good. I'm thirsty. Technically I'm not thirsty. I'm bewildered, confused, self-loathing, angry, tired, hungry, lonely, anxious, and impulsive. The last two, anxious and impulsive are the biggest threats to my sobriety. Mostly cause I don't tell anyone about them and tend to isolate as a habit from all that other crap. It's bad. I don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do and would rather perpetuate my misery by being alone and letting these thoughts cycle through my brain. I'll go to these meetings though. It worked once, it'll work again. In the near future I'll post a cross section of how to rate these meetings. I loved Garden City, loved it, looked forward to going to the meetings if I didn't have anything else to look forward to. So far Port Washington on Thursday is the only one that I've seen that rivals it. But that's a blog for thursday.
Things to accomplish today before the 6:30 meeting
Clean
Rearrange the furniture
Brainstorm 100 scenes
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Preface - Day 10
So due to certain circumstances, namely my inability to make healthy choices, I must attend meetings that are not my home group. My home group is Garden City Community Church on Whitehall Blvd. They meet Tuesday's at 7:30, Friday at 7:30, and Sunday at 7:30. It was made easy to be my home group because I grew up in Garden City, went to Garden City High School and frankly graduated with 3 people who are also regulars there. Even with this time away, I believe I will always call that group home. Eight years ago that was the only meeting I attended, and a year ago it was the first place my friend from pre-school took me when I began to accept the problem. Garden City is also the oldest meeting in Nassau County, maybe even New York.
With that said I need to branch out at least for the next 90 days supposedly if I have any chance at laying a foundation to beat this thing. So I have begun to. I currently live in Long Beach. I peticularly hate the meetings here. I understand that AA is a melting pot of mentally insain people, myself included, but I find there is an abnormal amount of those people in Long Beach. It could be that we have a strip of bars that promote alcoholism and the only other place I know with a similar strip is rockville center. Which reminds me of New Orleans (pre-katrina). When I went there I thought it would be one big party town but instead felt really sorry and sad for all the homeless. Anyway Long Beach meetings and point lookout meeting never made me feel comfortable.
In essence what I intend to do with this blog is review all the meeting I go to for the next 90 days based upon a variety of factors that I've noticed about meetings availibility to make me comfortable and grow spiritually. With that said I think it's also important to mention that I am in fact an ageist. I will not discreminate against sex or religon or color, but I really detest old people. I think at a certain age we should just kill them, me included when it's my time.
With that said I need to branch out at least for the next 90 days supposedly if I have any chance at laying a foundation to beat this thing. So I have begun to. I currently live in Long Beach. I peticularly hate the meetings here. I understand that AA is a melting pot of mentally insain people, myself included, but I find there is an abnormal amount of those people in Long Beach. It could be that we have a strip of bars that promote alcoholism and the only other place I know with a similar strip is rockville center. Which reminds me of New Orleans (pre-katrina). When I went there I thought it would be one big party town but instead felt really sorry and sad for all the homeless. Anyway Long Beach meetings and point lookout meeting never made me feel comfortable.
In essence what I intend to do with this blog is review all the meeting I go to for the next 90 days based upon a variety of factors that I've noticed about meetings availibility to make me comfortable and grow spiritually. With that said I think it's also important to mention that I am in fact an ageist. I will not discreminate against sex or religon or color, but I really detest old people. I think at a certain age we should just kill them, me included when it's my time.
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